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bite harder, i'll scream when it hurts

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Mind Spew.. [09 Oct 2013|06:55pm]
Interesting, interesting.

I've had waaaaay too much time on my hands to be thinking about things.
What am I doing with life?
Why is placement sucking the light from me?
Why did I get so sick?
Do I need to stop taking my medication?
What will happen?
Do I have enough friends?
Do I need to try make some new friends?
Is my baby OK?
Will taking flurox. hurt my baby?
When will I find the motivation to get fit and healthy again?
Am I turning into a hermit?
Am i destined to work?
What can I do to actually make a difference?
How am I going to get through the next two weeks?
Will I get into trouble for being sick?
Will I have to make up the days at placement?
How will I manage extra days?
Why am I always so tired?
Is it my diet?
Why can't I quit sugar?
Should I cut down carbs?
Will my baby have high blood sugar?
How can I tolerate people who annoy me?
Why do so many people irritate me?
Is it them? Or is it me?
Is there more to life than what I am doing?
Should I stop watching TV?
How will I be able to stop watching TV?
I am addicted to TV.
What about facebook?
I'm addicted to facebook too.
I lasted three days without.
How will I keep up with Zoe, Danny and Katie?
Writing letters?
Was life easier before technology?
Do I believe in God?
Or is he a clutch when I feel poop.
How can I become more energetic and lively?
How can I laugh more?

Please sir, can I have some answers.
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[30 Jul 2013|05:54pm]
Sometimes I just become so overwhelmed with the day that I get stuck at night. I'm just waiting for my husband to come home so we can go for a lovely walk. I am addicted to Law & Order, I am overwhelmed by idiocy, I have dirty hair.
I have cut my hair too short, I look like a dork. Definitely un-sexy.  Lindy Chaimberland my husband told me.
My thoughts are slowly coming right, no more wistful, fitful thoughts, just aligned and loving family.
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Pilates my savior! [23 Jul 2013|02:34pm]
it's it funny how it doesn't seem to flow when your head isnt in the toilet.
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resolve and dissolve [22 Jul 2013|04:55pm]
[ mood | daydreaaaamin! ]

today, today, today. starting bottom up. Got that fresh coat on the nails,
even though it maybe have taken me two hours to paint them,
only slight smearing of colour and one ripped nail casualty = TADA!

I wish I knew what was going on, hopefully with medication reversion, I will improve.
These Invading thoughts can return to a lap pool, something I can stay afloat in.
I can't control myself other wise!! this duty of mine will be my demise.

On a different note, by no way connected to my internal-turmoil,

Watch You Sleeping ft. Kori Withers

It's music that soothes, and wraps me up, like a perfectly warm sweet hot chocolate.
I highly recommend it for your ears.
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to grow control over my brain again [21 Jul 2013|07:47pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

Hop hop hop.
Give me a little sugar.
A little bit of your cool fleshy arms and and let me fold myself into you.

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Cabin fever. An ode to secret blog posts! [19 Jul 2013|09:44am]
Jeepers. What a raw and distant mess i've gotten myself into. Only problem is i'm the only one who knows, and only one who can know about it. Am i writing this in the deep seeded unconscious hope that it will be read, and by who?

I have about all the the motivation of a doped up sloth. Although, I have heard that sloths, despite their apparent shortcomings, or should I say, slow comings, have some other unique attribute which far outweighs slow mo.

This brings me to my next point.. I am livejournaling again, I am writing proetery/cryptic posts on Schmacebook. Is my mental health deteriorating? How can I stop this from happening? GET ME INTO PLACEMENT. DRAIN THE RESEARCH OUT OF ME.

How do I stop myself, when no doubt, if I was a fly on the wall, i would be like.. "oh gguuurrrrrrrrrnd, that shiz is SO obvious!"??

I'm scared. And it becomes clear, that, rather than looking at your beautiful face, I need to go have have a good look at mine -- Go and do something extraordinary. (Just not that).
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Hotter than hell and wetter than water [18 Jul 2013|06:14pm]
Chivalry and spines. Thick and slanting brows, retinas pushing down and the feeling of breath brushing words onto the canvas in between.

i feel like squealing and squarking, those little tui's in the morning have nothing on me. My sultry and saucy haze, fogging and creating a world with an atmosphere that's so smooth and electrifying.

It shoots up and down, into my toes, that whole body clench. Hotter than hell.
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WAAAAAAAAH [02 May 2013|10:02pm]
I just want to say WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! So so so very WAAAAAAHHHHH today.
Might possibly be the half bag of licorice, half block of chocolate and cashew nuts devoured while I was pouring over my books.

Alas, I pushed though.
I still want to quit sugar. I'm worried i'll be miserable and grumpy though.
I want to quit TV also.
I want to write letters. Long, interesting, exciting letters. Only think is I think they'd be a little boring.
I want to make pasta, gnnocci and also the stuff that you pass though the pasta machine.

What do you think? I think I need to just focus on my studies right now. Just not getting too fat, and focus on studies. Smalls steps.

So WAH!!!! I know, first world problems. It's terrible huh.
I also want a built up veggie garden.
and a baby... just sayin.
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Been toying with the idea of quitting sugar... [01 May 2013|09:55pm]
Yes. Downloaded that I QUIT SUGAR EBOOK. And, wow, it looks hard. I guess quitting any kind of addiction is....

The first thing that comes into my mind is.. "what do I eat????!" Breakfast -- how can I have my breakfast coffee? And what about sultana scones?? And... then.. what about EVERYTHING ELSE???

Too much stress. I'm stressing out just thinking out not eating sugar.

so.... as boring as it may sound, tomorrow, I am going to take my first step and have a SMALL cup of coffee rather than a LARGE one. Although tomorrow is homework day.

start from the start and work though each question.

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i guess some things just aint even change [01 May 2013|06:07pm]
sooooo a few things. gonna track things that who knows, people might not want to know about, but if i'm not mistaken *I* want to know about. Like fertility cycle -- etc -- some of the gory deets I might just private post -- only to save you some brown bags.

Law and Order now, Nelly asleep on our super king, mind getting tricky, bit of a worry, but why?

-- lovely day with Mama -- how lucky I am. Grey Lynn is lovely! Old weatherboard houses, wrought iron lacework, lead lighting... beautiful! Father Rabbit store house, was good. Not what I was expecting, a little over priced, nothing I just *had* to have, but great setting, and clever idea staging products in a house.

Treasures I found today!

1. 2 x Wooden bobbins circa 1940's France -- ex:textiles factory. Vitrine, Grey Lynn (http://www.inthevitrine.com/)
2. Table cloth -- damask?? Def linen -- light aqua green trim. Romantique Boutique, Grey Lynn
3. 36 pieces x Silverware (ESPN; Elkington, Martin, Hall & Co. (Circa 1860))
4. The Readers Digest Great World Atlas, 1961.
5. Ambrose Heath's Honey Cookery -- yummy recipes all containing Honey! (would you believe)

Honey is a mild laxative did you know?

Now, tis onto toad in the hole for my darling... who is studying hard at the library, who received a promo, and 100% marks in statistic assignment. SO PROUD of husbung.
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happy bunny [24 Apr 2013|10:28pm]
I guess it was the inspiration of my dear friend to write this.
Oh blogging! How self indulgent!
Alas, I am sitting next to my husband, watching Hells Kitchen -- he just called me a "blue footed boobie".
All good. Life is good. Dental work this morning was pain free.
Jigsaw puzzle purchased to get us though the winter.
Yeah yeah yeah CD single found - MAPS for $1- Throwback to old times.

Four long wonderful days spent with my husband and my family over this long weekend.
ANZAC day. I just believe that the things my dad did, my grandpa did and my great grandpa and so on were wonderfully hard acts, which is why I can sit here and watch my crappy tv shows and eat my convenient food. Of course all of this comes with a level of guilt, is this what they would have wanted?
What am I missing out on? Am I being counter productive -- should I log off and smash my screens.
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[16 Jan 2012|10:29pm]
so tired, and it's only 10:20. always wonder why i get so tired, all the time. just who i am i suppose.

i was thinking yesterday about the social problems auckland has. as a social worker we are being taught to empower people, and let them be strong within their own culture, but how does that work when their culture fundamentally practices beliefs and underlying practices that totally conflict with aucklands dominant culture. it's doomed.

i was walking around the basin, and coming towards me was this young guy, overweight, (by quite alot), eyes cast down, and all i could read off him in that 3 seconds i had him in my sight was guilt, shame? it just got me thinking, how he might battle life, how low self opinion contributes to what you are going to be able to achieve within society. and the limitations it puts on you. it's like an invisible ceiling, pulling you down, limiting your actions.

so what with low self esteem, purely though people not feeling good about them selves, how destructive this is for their family, for their community for auckland. how can we make everyone feel good about themselves? what can i do.

today, was good, but tiring, rest home visits, and a walk from kohimara to st. helliers,
tired eyes.... night
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[15 Jan 2012|08:08pm]
alcohol units - 0
cigarette units - 0
exercise units - gym 35mins & 7500steps
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[15 Jan 2012|02:59pm]
hee ho! mind spinning wildly with things to do, things to do things to do!

1. holiday scrap book.
2. childhood photo's to be scanned and printed out, photo albumed.
3. natural remedies of lavender to get rid of flies.
4. pay my school fee's.
5. pilates (consession card $180 for 10 sessions. classes, and sat morning boot camp!
6. everything to do with moving house - orcon, sky, storage. oh well, we'll get to that when we do.

this afternoon i've been left alone. g gone to watch some cricket at his folks. so it's just me, in silence (thank you neighbors for being quiet) - which is awesome.

7. catching up with chanelle
8. going with mum to metlife.
9. claire thompson $120 - ???
10. nails
11. spring clean
12. dates of holiday?

But not to get too overwhelmed --


1. Walk around the Panmure Basin (maybe even jog if it feels right)
2. Smoothie/or eggs and bacon and coffee.
3. Metlife (mum) 1:30.
4. Chanelle?
5. Clare Thompson 4pm?
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2012 resolve and dirty stinking neighbours [14 Jan 2012|06:58pm]
I thought about starting a new blog, you know, a new blog a new me. But wow what a terrible waste to leave behind all these years of posts. So, I will carry on. nicsta lives, and will continue to enthrall and entertain in 2012!

it's the new years, and with the new years comes newness and resolutions and dreams to better things before.

some resolutions, read more, facebook less, be more sociable, be a good exercise buddy -- i resolve to be able to run the basin twice over, by march (about two months), run around the bays (march), detailed emails to dad and aunty kath -- maybe sending out a mass monthly update? (is this to conceited?) (if so, what is livejournal?) i resolve to take less and give more. to never suck on another cigarette, or sip on a glass of sav.

volunteer once a fortnight at youthline (both excited and nervous)

leave my "coupledom", become my own again.

create stuff, art, scrapbooks, photography, drawing...

furniture restoring (sounds elaborate, but it's only sanding and varnishing)

saving money, lots of money! "joes money"... (empire records)

for rorotonga and to buy a house! in ellerslie. i am drawn by the authentic mexican cafe -- the most tasty fajita i have eaten in NZ.

mmm, anyway, beetroot, fish broccoli and salad has filled my belly, now a wonderful evening of crime shows, the x factor australia, a comfy couch and boy makes me giddy with pleasure. boy it's the simple things.

throughout this journal i'm going to complain massively about my neighbors, the retardation of the male 17-24y.o demographic. now i'm not saying that all males within this age group are bad, it just seems the ones that moved in next door seem to tick all the boxes.

i used to enjoy bass, dirty grimy bass. now listening to it though walls of a "build yourself" house, bedroom walls, no less, makes me want to, on my bad days, exact physical revenge on the occupants, on ok days, "sabotage" their equipment i.e rip out all of their electrics and jump up and down on their stereo.

when on holidays i had secret dreams of coming home to find out that there had been a falling out in the house, the girl left the boy and they moved back home to their respective parents, leaving the house empty and on the market again to be brought by a nice little old lady, as it had been owned before.

wow, this is awesome, i totally forgot how wonderful it is to journal. here's to my resolutions, and to the demise of my neighbors (begone, begone begone).
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[29 May 2010|04:59pm]
years of bottles, and pills and sweaty
offense shedding its tangled webbing
is winding perfectly now neatly around
wooden bobbins.

and the clown was taking off her make-up.

those saturday nights,
where we withered against each other,
shoulders and humour rubbing up and down,

slowly winding down.

what anonymity we shroud
as we ploughed through the night
and into the day,
into the haze, donning sunglasses
involuntary fasting.
shading out the shouts from the back seat.
the immortality, the infactuality

fight or flight,
but somehow she was always right
to go.
dirty dark floors,
dirty dark beds
cushioning wild gnashing heads,
and hearts, right from the start
she was always looking,
for someone to hold her together.

but these people were broken too.
and it was just in the dark of the night that
you couldn’t see the
cracks and green hues
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[27 May 2010|09:49pm]
off and on
click thirty three degrees
another sieze
germs hold on tight
i fight alright,
another smell so long i feel against
this will adue to him
felt strange and rage
as i turned the page
felt so right and that
spite took me off the
page oh gauge the
friends that tame what i have
inside my burning head
bright a friend
no less i lend
the head and shoulders hold her close
and squeeze tight dont pass out
just doubt the realness of this
dont over think this cos it will
sink this as fast
as the deep blue weather
we're living underneath
so sick of so grey and rough it makes
it tough to ever get out of bed
out of town
i'm split between two places
my heart races and aches for the place
i want to be.
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[11 May 2010|04:54pm]
beck is crooning downstairs.
monteith's crushed apples is bubbling upstairs.
there is a reply i cannot make.
i feel flighty,
and it's not because i just fed the birds.
pretty nails
and hot wax.
superficially faking it.
but these nails shine and shape
reflect the light.
what am i to say?
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[29 Apr 2010|11:16am]
reds she said
she would have painted it red.
the sketching was a well drawn
shapely and glowing,
the outline was roaming.
but the inside had not yet been filled.

she would have painted it red.
she would have fed it red.

it was a lady of highness
of broken bones
of inner groans,
it was so smooth and so grown
but never reached the
shaded tones.

when she stood back and looked
the lines were overdrawn,
one two and three,
a mockery
all making the skelton of she.

but the ink inside was
no where to be found,
it was still sitting on the shelf
in the bottle.

the lid was too tight,
and with all her might
her strength could not budge
untill it clicked
and out it slickeed.

and what an oil spill it was!
it coated the land and the seas,
it spilt all over she.
it coated all those beautiful birds,
and died they did
they died in herds.

but it missed the page,
and blackened the frills
a dirty film
and he could not contain
her oil spill.
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[26 Apr 2010|11:55am]
this playground isnt alway sunny.
the rips and slides sear and graze
scar and shredding
marking her knees and her face.

this kid inside
will never grow old.
she is paved with gold
and stinks like green.

the angle which we rise
had steepened and
and now slides
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